Sthandwa Sami (My Beloved) by Yrsa Daley-Ward - A Detailed summary and Analysis

sthandwa sami (my beloved, isiZulu)

In the early hours of this morning it was far too hot for anyone to sleep.
You told me I was strange and kissed me
sunk your teeth into my soft bottom lip twice. So hard I thought you drew blood.

I keep getting the scary feeling that if you look at me for long enough you may see that I have a thousand fears
just like your mother who never really wanted you to leave
meanwhile mina I am catching up on the sleep that we missed and waiting patiently to feel normal again.

my thoughts about you are frightening but precise
I can see the house on the hill where we make our own vegetables out back
and drink warm wine out of jam jars
and sing songs in the kitchen until the sun comes up
wena you make me feel like myself again.

Myself before I knew any solid reasons to be afraid
Last night you give me the space to dream bigger than the single bed
and brighter than the morning
you laughed in your sleep and I cried in mine
and this afternoon we might be tired because the sun is fierce today
and too much happened between midnight and now
But bhabha you are terrifying and brilliant so I am the kind of woman who is already teaching my body to miss yours
without craving.
I am the type of woman who is teaching my heart to miss yours without failing.
And I am quite sure that you will find this unnecessary
but I am already searching for a place to run to and hide when you say,
“Uthando lwami. I’m ready. Are you?”
You know that I would gladly drive with you to the other side of the world with only the clothes I am wearing
and the loose change  and empty peanut shells in my purse.
kodwa every time you leave the room I worry.
and think that perhaps I have imagined you.
or maybe you have imagined me.

 

About the poet:

Yrsa Daley-Ward (born to a Jamaican mother and Nigerian father in 1989) is an English writer, model and actor. She is known for her debut book, Bone, as well as for her spoken-word poetry, and for being an "Instagram poet". Her memoir, The Terrible, was published in 2018. 

 

 Confessional poetry

Confessional poetry emerged as a distinct movement or style in American literature in the late 1950s and early 1960s, characterized by its highly personal, introspective, and often unfiltered exploration of the poet’s inner life. It represents a radical shift from earlier poetic traditions, where the focus was more on external subjects, mythology, and formal aesthetics. Confessional poetry brings the reader into direct contact with the poet's personal experiences, often those involving intense emotional states, private traumas, and taboo subjects.

 

Key Features of Confessional Poetry

 Autobiographical elements:

   - Confessional poetry is deeply rooted in the poet’s personal life, often dealing with intimate and sometimes painful experiences. This includes topics such as mental illness, suicide, depression, family dynamics, sexuality, and personal failure. The poet uses his/her own life as the primary subject matter for poetry.

 

Emotional Intensity:

   - These poems are marked by emotional intensity and openness. The poet often exposes their vulnerabilities, fears, and darkest thoughts, creating a sense of immediacy and intimacy.

 

Focus on the Self:

   - The self is at the center of confessional poetry, with a strong emphasis on the poet's internal world. The poems often explore the complexities of identity, self-perception, and self-examination.

Breaking Taboos:

   - One of the hallmarks of confessional poetry is its willingness to tackle taboo subjects—topics that were often considered inappropriate or too private for public discourse. This includes frank discussions of mental illness, sexual desire, infidelity, and familial strife.

Psychological Exploration:

   - Confessional poetry often explores psychological depths, particularly the workings of the mind under stress or in crisis.

 

Influence of Personal Relationships:

   - Relationships, particularly those with family members or beloved, are a recurring theme in confessional poetry. Poems often address the poet’s relationships with parents, spouses, lovers, and children, revealing the tensions, conflicts, and bonds that shape the poet’s life.

Free Verse and Conversational Tone:

   - Confessional poetry often favors free verse, allowing for a more natural and conversational tone. This lack of formal structure mirrors the spontaneity and fluidity of the poet's thoughts and emotions.

 

Notable Poets of confessional poems: Robert Lowell, Sylvia Plath, Anne Sexton and Kamala Das.

 

 

Yrsa Daley-Ward's poem, "Sthandwa Sami (My Beloved)," is an intimate exploration of love, fear, and strength. It is written in a confessional tone, the poem delves into the complexities of a romantic relationship, where intense emotions are mixed with deep-seated anxieties.
The title, "Sthandwa Sami," is an isiZulu (indigenous language of South Africa) phrase meaning "My Beloved," which immediately sets a tone of deep affection and personal connection.

The opening line, "In the early hours of this morning it was far too hot for anyone to sleep," introduces a setting of discomfort, both physically and emotionally. The heat symbolizes the intensity of the emotions that are about to unfold. The initial lines of the poem clearly sets the confessional tone of the poem.

The speaker (lady) recounts a moment of physical intimacy with her lover. He  called her ‘strange’ and unique and kissed her so passionately and violently. The image of the blood I the line ‘sunk your teeth into my soft bottom lip twice. So hard I thought you drew blood’ suggests the intensity of the approach of the beloved. The image also signifies the imminent danger that any love can cause.   

The speaker reveals her intense fear, worrying that if her lover looks at her for too long, he can easily understand the "thousand fears" imprinted her face. This fear is linked to the lover’s mother, who "never really wanted you to leave," it implies the fact that his mother strongly rejects their relation or he also has a strong bond with his mother. Because of the strong kinship with lover’s mother, they can’t connect physically as well as emotionally. She is still longing for his presence to start their life.

The speaker's thoughts about the lover is "frightening but precise," which indicates a mix of clarity and apprehension in their visions of the future. They imagine a domestic life together, living in a house on a hill, growing vegetables, drinking wine from jam jars, and singing until dawn. This vision is blissful, also suggests a desire for simplicity and permanence, yet it is filled with a sense of fear and anxiety.

The phrase "wena you make me feel like myself again" came out of doubt because there is a dreadful detachment between them and she deeply desires the love that is too far for her. she openly expresses her state of mind regarding their love and future.  The speaker describes how does her lover give “the space to dream bigger than the single bed and brighter than the morning,". He in fact gave all the hopes to dream bigger about their future.  Yet, this hope is accompanied by tears and painful experiences for the lady. He was too happy without her presence but she was crying inside. She is so disappointed and unsettled in the afternoon. Which is symbolically expressed through the line “this afternoon we might be tired because the sun is fierce today and too much happened between midnight and now But bhabha you are terrifying and brilliant”. the imagery of fierce sun is a striking objective correlative  which represents the uncomfortable state of mind of the speaker. Something serious and terrifying has happened between them. As far as the lady is concerned the lover is so brilliant in the sense he wisely abandoned her. But she is ready to admit the reality and assert her self. Since, it is not her failure.

She wants to escape from his sight because never again she is not ready to experience the inevitable separation. It is too brutal that one can experience both hope and disappointment from single source.  The lover's anticipated question, "Uthando lwami. I’m ready. Are you?" (Uthando lwami means "my love" in isiZulu), is met with the speaker's inner turmoil. This anxiety hints at a fear of abandonment or the possibility that their love might be an illusion.

The speaker expresses her willingness to go to great lengths with the person she loves, which marks her devotion and commitment. She is also even ready to forsake all the material things for him including her dresses and other essential things. "Kodwa" is a Zulu word meaning "but" or "however". The speaker is expressing that despite her willingness to follow the person she loves, she can't shake off the feeling of anxiety and worry when they're apart.

The poem ends on a note of uncertainty, with the speaker questions whether the lover has imagined her. She has imagined him but not sure about her lover. Since she felt the love was not true but just a transitory feeling which may fade away anytime. This poem is a deeply personal and confessional which problematizes the complex nature of love and human relationships. The poet bare-bound style and frank way of expressing the intimate scenes are highly notable and it remains a remarkable piece of confessional poetry.

 The poem explores the speaker's journey towards self-discovery, particularly in the lines "you make me feel like myself again. Myself before I knew any solid reasons to be afraid." it suggests a longing for a lost sense of identity and a desire to reclaim it. The speaker's love for the beloved is discernible, but it's also surrounded by uncertainty and fear. The use of Zulu phrases like "Uthando lwami" and "kodwa" constitute the indigenous cultural depth to the poem, highlights the speaker's  deep rooted connection to their culture and heritage.